Talking Talking Happy Talk

I'm baaaa-aaaaack, did yer miss me??  No?  Oh, right then... Well I've missed blogging for sure.  Feel a bit like a neglectful parent but, to be honest, I've had some pretty legit reasons for my absence.  Yeahhhh, so haven't had such a good time of it of late, what with one thing and another.  Obviously there's been all the stress of Uni, which I won't go over again, see my earlier post Depressions of a Mad Wolf for details.  But I'm delighted to announce that I'm on top of it, in fact more than on top of it; I've climbed the mountain and am casually lazing on the other side, enjoying a crafty fag and appreciating the smaller things in life, like puppies and raindrops.  Well not quite, I don't smoke, but you get the picture.  I've finished all three of my essays in plenty of time for Christmas, and am now officially on holiday.  Phew, thank Crunchie for that.

I still don't quite know what happened back there, why I had such a meltdown, and although I'm feeling really good at the moment (haven't cried for 9 days, record!), I'm worried it will happen again.  I mean, it was only 13,000 words, and I had enough time to do it, so why all the fuss?  Pffffffft, I really dunno.  I think the pressure just got too much, and I literally boiled over.  There's also been some long-standing family stuff going on, which I can't really go into now.  I mean, I want to, think it would be quite cathartic actually, but a couple of close friends read this blog, and I don't wanna say stuff on here without talking to them first.  So let's just say that some old crap got dragged up again, and it didn't help.

Talking of talking, I have actually talked to somebody about the aforementioned crap, namely the brilliant and wise beyond her years, VW.  I'm not normally very good at offloading, it's like Donna (Catherine Tate) said to the Doctor once: 'you talk all the time but you don't say anything'.  Yep, that about sums me up too.  I'm a great listener, and can talk for England, or any other country for that matter, but when it comes to sharing my emotional stuff, I'm harder to break than the Da Vinci code.  Dunno why, always have been.  Hate crying in front of people for a start, am even less attractive crying than normal, and I am a crier, so 'fraid one goes hand in hand with the other. 

Anyway, so I talked to VW, and told her things that I've not told anyone before, which was really hard.  Really hard.  I didn't cry though.  Progress.  She gave me some advice, but mainly it was good to have someone to listen.  One of her gems of wisdom was to talk more, and she's right, so I will.  I'm even signed up for a mentoring session at Uni on the 26th of Jan.  Apparently 'mentoring' is like counselling but different as you get support with study skills etc.  Maybe it's what I need.  What with the home stuff and Uni and everything, it probably would be good to talk.  Think that's why I like blogging, it's kinda like therapy.  Only rather one-way... Didn't even have any counselling after The Event, which I probably should've done, as even now I can't think about it without going all cringey.

I'm hoping that 2011 will see a much calmer, less tearful, happy wolf.  2010 wasn't a bad year on the whole, in fact it was frickin' great!  Apart from the last couple months... Oh, and last New Year's Day... When The Doctor regenerated?  Duhhhhh.  Highlights of 2010 then, I graduated; one of the best moments of my life, and got accepted onto the MA; which a few years ago I never would've seen happening.  I had the best birthday that I've had in a very long time, which lasted a week, and involved some amazing friends and relatively little alcohol.  I celebrated living in my home for a year, which was very special for me and my mother on a personal level; new beginnings and all that.  And I've developed a very close, stronger than super glue, bond with VW (God help her), who has really helped boost my confidence and, like I say, just been the rock I needed, showing me that it really is ok to share stuff.  Even if it involves the waterworks I guess.  Even her Christmas card, which she bought round today, made me well up (in a good way); she said that I was amazing, and not to forget it.  Of course, she's right.  She told me off today too, for working too hard.  Of course, she's right.

So gonna try and be positive about the forthcoming year.  Yes I've still got another term and a 20,000 word dissertation to get through, but I'll have the mentoring support (providing I ask for it).  Yes my family are still gonna drive me insane, but they're my family, and I gotta stick by 'em... Some of them anyway.  If I don't who will?  No one else would have them.  And I've still got my friends, some of whom are probably gonna hear a lot more from me in the very near future.  Poor buggers.  In fact, run you people that know me, run faaaaarrrrr away!

Merry Christmas everyone, and have an awesome New Year,

BW xxx

PS, I've deliberately avoided mentioning until now the fact that, for the first Christmas in five years, David Tennant won't be The Doctor.  It's just too gruesome a thought, as a certain Ms Golightly would say (RIP Blake Edwards).  It will be a strange and sad Christmas evening, without David Tennant lighting up my bedroom - what?  I watch Doctor Who in bed, what on earth did you think I meant?  You disgusting lot.

PPS, in case I don't get chance to blog again before New Year, here are my resolutions:

To be a nicer, more supportive, daughter.
To blog more, I know I've been pretty slack lately.
To say that I need help/support/a chat/a blub as soon as I need it, not several weeks later.  I don't ever wanna feel like that again.
To be happy.

Depressions of a Mad Wolf

Yes I know, I've commited the ultimate sin of blogging and haven't posted for, what, a week?  Just having a few psychological issues at the moment, hopefully normal service will soon be resumed.  Again, nothing has actually happened, but last Wednesday I had a complete meltdown, where everything just got way, way, WAY too much, and I ended up crying solidly for a good three hours.  Seriously. 

I don't like to say I'm Depressed (with a capital D), as there are people in the world actually suffering from this illness, and describing yourself as 'Depressed' totally belittles the severity of the real thing.  But, I did feel awful last week; it's been brewing for a while, and at the time I would've said I felt depressed - with a very small d. 

Have got so much work to do at Uni, and I'm completely shattered - our terms are 11 weeks long, which is crucifying to say the least.  Just want a break; in the sense of some time out, not anything to do with bones, because that's the last thing I want.  Funny that, how one word can simultaneously mean something that I'm desperate for, yet something that I constantly dread...  Anyway, whenever I think of the Christmas holidays, I'm reminded of how much work I've got to do in them, and it's driving me insane.

VW was brilliant, as usual, last week and told me to a) calm down, and b) prioritise  - concentrate on one thing at a time.  Of course she's right, and I'm now trying to take things a bit slower and easier.  Skived off Uni today, which I never do, but it was just more constructive to stay home in the relative warmth, and work, than sit in a seminar which will have no bearing on the content of any of my essays.  Does mean I haven't seen South for a week, which was a tough price to pay.  Have even drawn up a little timetable of when I want to start and finish each essay - sad I know, but it helps me sleep at night - and I think I'll be ok.  Doesn't stop me worrying about the slightest thing at the moment though; I think I've totally lost the plot actually.  It really bothers me that no one else seems to be such a gibbering wreck as me - though, I wouldn't wish how I felt last Wednesday on too many people - and also that, if I'm this messed up about writing 12,000 words in 7 weeks - which is what it ultimately boils down to - then what the hell am I going to be like when it comes to writing a 20,000 word dissertation?  I've spent many a fun hour contemplating that.

I'll be back, but I may be some time...

BW xxx

PS, Dark Handsome Stranger announced that last Wednesday was his final seminar with us.  As if I wasn't depressed enough, could've cried there and then.  But I didn't.  Waited till I got home instead.

Had my first dissertation meeting yesterday, with the lovely Legend.  Looks like 2011's gonna be the year of the vampire, and I'll probably require South's geeky mind to aid my quest, woo hoo!  Just doing some online christmas (there's that word again) shopping.  Why are parents like the most difficult people to buy for??  Actually, don't answer that, 'cos if they're anything like mine, they either say they don't want anything, or end up buying themselves the EXACT thing you were gonna give them.  *Sigh*, and so it begins...

BW xxx

PS, song of the day: Santa Baby by Kylie Minogue.

Wanted

With Christmas fast approaching (arrrrggghhh, I know) I, along with the vast majority of the population, have been thinking about what the hell to get the nearest and dearest.  For the past couple years, I've taken to writing an itemised list of things that I'd like, and 9 times outta 10, it's paid off.  Maybe I'm a spoilt brat, but I never ask for the Earth, just the odd DVD (which my mother loathes buying for me), book, PS2 game etc, and it saves the annual Oscar-winning performance of: 'Wow, that's awesome.  Thanks a lot'.

This post, however, is not a 'please may I have...?' list, or even a wish list; it's a Want (with a capital W), Veruca Salt, don't-care-how-I-want-it-now, kinda list.  I was always told by my wise elders that 'I want never gets', and in the case of the following items, they're probably right.

#1 - David Tennant - c'mon, did you expect anything less?  Difficult to post I imagine, but fun to unwrap, I imagine... frequently...

#2 - A Boyfriend - preferably David Tennant, but failing that, ANYONE will do.  Well, maybe not anyone; they've gotta be able to accept me, for me, and see past my disability and many (many) oddities.  Does such a man exist??  No offence lads, but I've not found one yet.  It's not just about the sex, though I've heard it can be pretty good, I wouldn't know.  It's more about the feeling of being wanted, being needed and, ultimately, being loved.  I mean, I know I am loved, I get that impression quite often; from my friends, but it's never in that way... Least I don't think it is... I keep having visions of ending up like SuBo - only without the amazing voice - I'm already half as bonkers.

#3 - A Baby - said all this before, and ideally I need Item 2 first, though these days... Anyway, yes, super broody.  Nearly all my closest friends have now reproduced and, while I'm beyond happy for them, and think all their children are gorgeous, it does remind me of what I don't, and might never, have.  I don't even know if I could, physically like, but it'd be nice to find out.

#4 - A Job - I'm 24, and I've never had a full-time job.  Fact.  I have worked before; I've been a local correspondant on a Disability magazine, but we only met quarterly; I've been a volunteer classroom assisstant and support worker at my secondary school, which I loved, but it was only voluntary; and I've written small articles for a couple of local newspapers, but they were always about me, I wasn't actually working for anyone.  I love working with people, and I think I wanna teach (Film or Media Studies pref), but then I like the idea of working within the (rather vague) world of student support.  So really, I have no concrete idea of what I want to do.  There's also the small fact that, whatever I do, I'm gonna need support, and I don't know how the hell that would work, or even if it's remotely possible.  Had hours of endless fun thinking about that one,

#5 - Gas and Air to be available on prescription - have had it on two separate occasions now; once after breaking my arm, then as a result of The Event.  It is some seriously good shit but, and please take note ladies, it does not take the pain away; just makes you feel so stoned that you don't care how much it hurts, or how much you scream.  Now, who doesn't want their own personal supply of Entonox in their home?

#6 - A Hug - physically an impossibility for me, as I'm likely to shatter into a thousand pieces, which I know from experience, hurts.  But still, it would be nice sometimes, and of the many things I can't do, it's the one thing I wish I could.  Well, there are some other things...

BW xxx

PS, found out Dark Handsome Stranger's full name, so am now free to stalk him on Facebook, hurrah!  Though, this does mean that I've discovered he has a girlfriend, boo hoo.  Oh, and he's younger than me.  Brilliant.  Now I just feel like a perv, an old perv at that.