The Women of Disney's Renaissance: Not Such a Fairy Tale? Part I

Right, so I've been meaning to get this ball rolling for ages, and here it [finally] is.  The following five posts will cover my research on Disney's representatio of women, which I hope will at least proves interesting to those of you who love Disney, fairy tales, reading and feminism – if you can actually love feminism – and maybe even useful to those of you researching these subjects.  I'm more than happy for people to use my findings in their own writing, as long as it's properly referenced – only fair – and I'll endeavour to clearly show the references that I used.  Any questions though, please do comment.  Enjoy.

Spoiler

The following posts examine the role of women in Disney's Renaissance period, specifically The Little Mermaid (Clements & Musker, 1989) and Beauty and the Beast (Trousdale & Wise, 1991), and will compare them to previous literary versions to achieve an understanding of the studio's principle agenda.  These posts will feature a close textual analysis of the Disney films, and Propp's theory on the functions of fairy tales will be used to compare the morals and values of these versions with their most famous literary predecessors; those written by Andersen and de Beaumont.  It is then posited that the filmic adaptations have been manipulated in such a way as to reflect the corporation's patriarchal and capitalist ideologies, by suggesting that girls like Belle and Ariel are merely submissive constructs of a male dominated society.  The supposed autonomy of these characters is explained as signifying the post-feminist tendency of women to seek liberation by gaining access to the workplace, and becoming independent earners.  However, Belle and Ariel both long for more; desiring to belong to the 'outside' world, which promises beauty, admiration and freedom.  The fact that neither girl is satisfied with life indicates the media's pressure on women to appear a certain way; to change themselves in order to correspond to a set of prescribed norms; and to ultimately become happy and successful.  Thus, the outcome is that Disney's young women stand as metonyms for the anxieties of many female viewers, who feel they should work hard to fit into society, and then appear grateful to their male colleagues, for allowing them these freedoms to succeed. 

So far so good?  On to the intro then.

The Intro

1989 witnessed the beginning of Disney's 'Renaissance era' (Byrne & McQuillan, 1999, et al); lasting roughly until 1999, where the studio once again became a popular, and much-loved, household name –  after nearly going down the pan in the late 70s/early 80s.  Giroux writes that Disney's increasing economic power, as shown through the buying up of numerous television and film networks during the 1980s and 90s, demonstrated not only domination of the media industry, but of cultural and political hegemony.  In other words, Disney acquired authority and influence due to its vastness and, because it is practically impossible to avoid this conglomerate, it is similarly impossible to avoid its beliefs and values.  Furthermore, the phenomenon of marketing; the selling of 'tie-in' products such as toys, clothes and even specially packaged food items to coincide with a film's release, plays right into the hands of consumerism which, in effect, is one of the ways an individual feels a sense of belonging to the wider society or, as Giroux states:

If we imagine the Disney Company as a teaching machine whose power and influence can, in part, be measured by the number of people who come in contact with its goods, messages, values, and ideas, it becomes clear that Disney wields enormous influence on the cultural life of the nation, especially with regard to the cultural life of children. (2001:19)

In reference to Disney being positioned as a teaching aid, Giroux claims that the studio's long-standing commitment to the portrayal of innocence, happiness and imagination in contrast to the realities of contemporary American life, became like a system of educational tools.  By standing as the chief signifier for family entertainment and escapism, and with the promise that Disney will fulfil its consumers' hopes and dreams, as encapsulated in its 'When You Wish upon a Star' theme tune, the corporation sought to re-educate audiences, particularly children, in the spheres of consumerism, self-identity, and even nationalism.  Shrouded in its cloak of innocence, Disney's dominance of culture, economy, politics and the media means that its underlying strategies of control, consumption and commodification can be filtered into the minds of its billions of users.  In addition, as Giroux notes, the magical world of Disney acts as a site of fantasy and distraction for children from the hectic and stressful lives of adults, creating the illusion of a kinship between its young spectators, who are made to feel secure enough to readily receive the teachings of this substitute guardian:

Stripped of the historical and social constructions that give it meaning, innocence in the Disney universe becomes an atemporal, ahistorical, apolitical, and atheoretical space where children share a common bond free of the problems and conflicts of adult society.  Disney markets this ideal, presenting itself as a corporate parent who safeguards this protective space for children by supplying the fantasies that nourish it. (2001:31)

Thus, from a young age, audiences are taught to believe in Disney's magic, as it provides a world of safety and unity, far removed from that of its real-life alternative.  The innocence that the company endorses effectively becomes truth, largely because it is what individuals want to believe, but also because it is what they are provoked into believing via the processes of marketing, merchandising and advertising, as well as Disney's omnipotent involvement within the wider realms of society and culture.

The fact that two of the first three films of Disney's Renaissance are based on fairy tales is interesting to note in relation to Giroux's comments, and it is these two films; The Little Mermaid (Clements & Musker, 1989) and Beauty and the Beast (Trousdale & Wise, 1991), that provide the foundations for this discussion.  For now, a brief initial observation would surmise that Disney's recreation of these 'classic' tales at the beginning of its own reinvention demonstrates the desire to situate itself as the purveyor of fantasy and escapism, and that these particular stories, in their familiarity and resurgence of childhood nostalgia, enhance the connotations of storytelling and, consequently, of the educative passing on of wisdom, advice and valuable life lessons by an elder to a child. 

Leading Ladies

The protagonists of both The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast are girls, though as will be discussed later, Disney's filmic adaptation of the latter has made Beauty, or Belle's, role much less significant in comparison to her literary predecessors.  Hence, due to Disney's fascination with the heroine, and its repeated portrayal of seemingly strong, charismatic and determined young woman, it is from a feminist perspective that the films will be considered. 

At the time that the Renaissance era began, feminism was experiencing great changes in its political and cultural hegemonies, as well as in its perception within society.  Whereas the feminist movement of the 1970s was primarily concerned with issues of equality and sexual liberation, later polemics of the 1980s and 90s were more interested in the attitudes of society as a whole towards women and, while still focusing on equality in the home and workplace, shifted attention to the ways that women were publicly presented; specifically by such institutions as politics and the media. 

This new wave of feminism, often termed Third Wave or post-feminism, tends to be more celebratory of women's roles in society; their achievements, in terms of academic, employment and politics; and their freedom to express themselves via their appearance, mannerisms and body postures.  Women are encouraged to openly display their personalities, even if they do not correspond to society's traditional views on what is considered customary and expected.  This allows for a 'modern' breed of on and off screen female character with which to identify and aspire, as Walter argues:

Young women can now explore a range of different ways to behave; aggressive and articulate behaviour is rewarded as well as passive or quiet behaviour.  Women now have countless naughty, large and noisy heroines to emulate as well as the good, small and quiet heroines of the last century. (1998:58)

Tasker develops the notion of female emancipation further, claiming that a woman's ability to choose what she wears has the effect of turning her into a powerful consumer.  By this, Tasker means that women gain power from wearing clothes that they have chosen and paid for, not only because these items say a lot about their owner's character, but because shopping for them carries with it a sense of autonomy, satisfaction and enjoyment.  Additionally, the importance that has been placed on consumerism and physical appearance as sites of pleasure has resulted in women being revered as articles of beauty and perfection which, instead of constituting objectification, enhances female liberation and authority, according to Tasker:

In line with this peculiarly silent visibility, postfeminism also perpetuates woman as pinup, the enduring linchpin of commercial beauty culture.  In fact, it has offered new rationales for guilt-free consumerism, substantially reenergizing beauty culture [...]. (2007:3)

In this way, consumerism can be seen as beneficial to women; acting as a form of [retail] therapy, as it provides a means of expressing identity that is, seemingly, related to internal desires and wishes, as opposed to the external viewpoints of society.  This concept can then be applied to feminism in a wider context, as contemporary attitudes towards women can, at first glance, appear to have the effect of allowing them to make their own choices, which are generated by individual needs and wants, not by those of society. 

However Walter has revisited the key ideas in cultures of feminism, proposing that this alleged trend towards freedom through consumption is falsely justified.  While women are now able to buy, wear and [within reason] do what they want, the privileges set out by the beauty industry specifically mean that sexual objectification can be equated to female empowerment.  The necessity for women to look beautiful connotes a certain amount of vulnerability and lack; in that perhaps they wish to fulfil this aspect of their lives in order to gain success in other areas, such as business and education, and coincides with the recent acceptability of the sex industry into mainstream culture.  As Walter notes, children's dolls, which are often modelled on such cinematic heroines as those featured in Disney films, have become highly sexualised over the past decade, as have their on-screen counterparts; who regularly appear in skimpy clothes, have big hair, and faces covered in make-up, no matter their age.  Far from denoting emancipation and equality, the sexualisation of girls, and the suggestion that attractiveness leads to happiness and achievement, actually suggests the opposite.

It appears that, contrary to cultural belief, little has changed in regards to society's attitude towards women since the feminist movement of the 1970s, and that while it may seem women have been granted greater freedom in terms of their private and public spheres, this 'freedom' is in fact a disguise or 'masquerade' (McRobbie, 2009:79), working to conceal the truth; that women are not free to be themselves, because it is still society that sets out the, somewhat antiquated, terms and conditions or, in the words of Walter:

The rise of a hypersexual culture is not proof that we have reached full equality; rather, it has reflected and exaggerated the deeper imbalances of power in our society.  Without thoroughgoing economic and political change, what we see when we look around us is not the equality we once sought; it is a stalled revolution. (2010:8-9)

In order to relate this post-feminist critique to the women of Disney's The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast, the issues of equality, consumerism, sexualisation and objectification will be looked at in detail.  The following three posts will address a specific theme: fairy tales, adaptation and representation, with post-feminism providing a theoretical framework and analytical approach for all three.  There will then be a conclusion, to sum it all up nice and concisely.  Don't go skipping to that part first though, cheats!

The aim of this disscussion is to evaluate how women are presented in Disney's versions of The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast; and whether this is positive, as 'Renaissance' denotes, whether the studio's adaptation of these tales signifies negative attitudes, or whether indeed these aspects co-exist in tension.  By looking closely at the fairy tale and theories of adaptation, and relating the findings to a comparison of the literary texts with Disney's renditions, a greater understanding of the films' subtexts will be reached, and the corporation's position on the depiction of women will become clearer, as any alterations made in the move from page to screen should carry significant implications. 

Keep 'em peeled for Part II: the one about fairy tales.

KT xxx

Bibliography:

Byrne, E. & McQuillan, M. (1999) Deconstructing Disney, Pluto Press: London

Giroux, H. A. (2001) The Mouse That Roared: Disney and the End of Innocence, Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc: USA.

Le Prince de Beaumont, J. M. (2008) Beauty and the Beast, Forgotten Books.

McRobbie, A. (2009) The Aftermath of Feminism: Gender, Culture and Social Change, SAGE Publications: London.

Propp, V.  Morphology of the Folktale (1968) Indiana University Press: USA.

Tasker, Y. & Negra, D. (eds.) (2007) 'Introduction' in: Interrogating Postfeminism: Gender and the Politics of Popular Culture, Duke University Press: USA, p.1-27.

Walter, N. (1998) The New Feminism, Little, Brown: London.

Walter, N. (2010) Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism, Virago Press: London.

Spoonie Blues - and PhD muse[ings]

Majorly shitty month thus far, hence why I haven't posted; it would only be full of rage and misery, which while cathartic, would prove a very boring and depressing read.

I have other plans for today's post but, to cut a long story short, I've been stuck at home for pretty much the whole of the past three weeks, with no access to my own car, while mother has been driving back and forth to my sister's – who's recovering from a very small, totally non-life-threatening operation.  Damn, how bitter do I sound?  In normal circumstances, of course I wouldn't begrudge anyone receiving help from their mother, particularly when she already does so much for me, as my main carer.  However, nothing about my family is 'normal', or simple – whose is, I hear you scream – good point, but when you take into consideration that we moved away from living with my sister because she's a manipulative, immature, abusive and violent bitch, you can kinda see why it might grate on me.  I haven't said a lot about this in previous posts, maybe the odd hint, cos it's so difficult to discuss, and I almost feel embarrassed when I do have to talk about my family sitch.  Stupid, huh?  Anyway, the whole point of this blog was to be honest with my readers, so there you go; [some] honesty.  So, because mother's had exclusive use of the car – my car, paid for by me, via Motability – I haven't been able to get out with my enabler, SB.  And no, I couldn't have just gone for a 'walk' to town, or round the park with SB, as that would've involved mother getting me into my wheelchair before she left early in the morning, and me staying sat up all day, which I can't physically do (see The Spoon Theory to really make sense of this).

I have, consequently, really struggled to get through this month, and have had some epic rows with mother; brought on by a combination of cabin fever, boredom, frustration, exhaustion – from days of early starts – and a general feeling of loneliness and isolation.  If it wasn't for daily heart to hearts with The Wife, visits from VW and @FranBMan23, and getting out to work on two of the days, I don't know how I'd have coped.  Still not feeling great at the moment; having some pretty emotional, angry, and stressful bouts, and I have scared myself at times into thinking I'll end up like I was last year/end of 2010.  I'm hoping I've come through the worst though; mother isn't up at my sister's quite so much now, and from next week I should have a bit more use of my car.  Here's hoping, cos I'm not sure I can handle this way of 'life' for much longer.  I'm banking on the testing of a new, specially made sling on Friday that, if successful, would mean – once installed – I could be lifted and moved by my carers, rather than solely mother.  As much as I'm worried about it – the thought of anyone, or anything, new lifting me is pretty terrifying, on account of the slightest movement potentially causing a broken bone – I desperately want, no, need, for this to work.  Maybe then I'll achieve the independence that so many spoonies, quite rightly, seem to acquire so easily.

Right, on to the actual topic of this post; my PhD.  I wanted to put into words what I'm intending to research, as it's all jumbled up in my head at the moment, so it needs some organisation anyway, and what better way to do that than in public.  These are all initial, very rough ideas that I've had, based on the findings of my MA dissertation, and before I'd done any proper research.  I'm sure the plans will change, but I'm living in the moment, so here goes.

For my MA dissertation in Film, I wrote about issues of girlhood, and the representation of young women in the Disney film; specifically The Little Mermaid (Clements & Musker, 1989) and Beauty and the Beast (Trousdale & Wise, 1991).  I am going to share this work over the next few posts, so bear with me; I don't wanna give away any spoilers at the moment.  What I can say is that, as both of the above films were based on fairy tales and folklore, I followed the progression of these two stories, charting the differences between the representations of the little mermaid (Ariel, to those of the Disney generation), and Beauty (Belle).  These characters naturally became the main focus, but during my research, and throughout the course of writing up, Ursula (a.k.a. the Sea Witch) kept rearing her [very ugly] head, and proved difficult to ignore. 

Ursula brought up some very interesting issues of femininity; of being cast aside once you reach the age of infertility and unattractiveness – according to society, not my belief, honestly.  Yet, cos Ariel and Belle took the lead roles, Ursula kind of faded into the background, and didn't get as much recognition as she'd have liked.  Indeed, The Legend, who second marked my dissertation, and whose advice I will always follow to the letter, said that she would have been interested to read a lot more about Ursula, and her 'issues'.  Hint for a future PhD topic?  Methinks so.  Thus, the seed was planted, and I'm intending to follow up this idea further, by means of a PhD.

Current working title is 'The Other Woman; Monstrous Femininity and Ageing in the Disney Fairy Tale', and I'm intending to broaden my horizons – and word count – by looking at a much wider range of Disney films, and comparing them to their 'live-action' counterparts.  Fairy tales are totally in vogue at the moment, what with Sky's current ad campaign, Channel 5's Once Upon a Time, and the recent release of Snow White and the Huntsman (Sanders, 2012), to name but a few.  Moreover, according to HH – who was my very brilliant dissertation supervisor – there's loads of research being carried out on ageing, and it just so happens that the Arts and Humanities Research Council (AHRC) – who I'm banking on for funding – are looking for people to research 'New Dynamics of Ageing'.  Um, yay.  If I ever get to writing a proposal, I will play on this muchly. 

By 'Other', I mean the process of 'us' versus 'them'; primarily associated with Said's 1978 book, Orientalism, where the creation of a society:

'[...] whether Orient or Occident, France or Britain… involves establishing opposites and otherness whose actuality is always subject to the continuous interpretation and reinterpretation of their differences from us‘. (1995:332)

My PhD thesis will [hopefully] be on a much smaller scale than continental politics, and the idea of the 'Other' will instead be used twofold.  First, as a kind of play on words; not the heroin, the other one, and also Other with a capital O; the women that offer something different, oppose the 'norm', aren't seen as 'us'.  This may be cos they aren't beautiful, aren't married, are childless or infertile, etc.  Basically, anything that differentiates these women, such as Ursula, Maleficant, The Wicked Stepmother, from what we – us – deem socially acceptable, or traditionally conventional. 

By 'Monstrous Femininity', I'm of course referring to the brilliant Barbara Creed's The Monstrous-Feminine: Film, Feminism, Psychoanalysis, which I haven't actually read yet, but I'm sure it's amazing.  According to the blurb, The Monstrous Feminine addresses the way that female monstrosity nearly always shares a bed with issues of fertility and mothering – ooo, rhymes with Othering – think the alien in Alien (Scott, 1979).  So, like, all the baddies mentioned above don't have biological children, and seem to exist purely to make the younger, hotter, more fertile protagonists' lives a misery. Wait, this is sounding all too close to home... Anyways, I haven't even begun to address the question of why these women are portrayed in this way; though I have touched on it very briefly in my review of Snow White and the Huntsman.  Maybe it's jealousy, or bitterness, over all the privileges Third Wavers have over the Firsties, or maybe society – us, again – deem older women as useless, due to their inability to reproduce and, cos they're so unattractive, they must be cast aside, to go live in caves.  Again, not my views.  Who knows; it's probably a combo of all those factors, plus a bunch more.  Only time, and a whole lotta work, will tell.  Although, if anyone does have an answer, please share!  I'm not so attached to the idea of giving up my life [and sanity] to research this baby, that I wouldn't welcome any input. 

Next, cue a big load of post-feminist argument – which I actually love picking apart – about the body beautiful, women doing it for themselves, Third Wave gals versus First Wave old cronies, and I have myself a very basic, yet not bad – even if I do say so myself – idea for a thesis.

That's where I'm at right now.  I've done no reading, since researching my MA, and have watched maybe a tenth of the films that I need to.  But I'm starting to think about it; progress.

KT xxx

PhD; Pretty huge Deal

For the past few weeks, I've been desperately – and I mean desperately – researching possible sources of funding for my future PhD, to no avail.  Yup, I've come up with a big fat zilch.  Now, I don't wanna mislead anyone, or put anyone off wanting to study further; I'm just going from my, admittedly limited, research.

There's the Arts and Humanities Research Council (AHRC), and the Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC), which are the big guys in terms of funding.  I was already very aware of the former, as the AHRC offers the University's Humanities department the very generous total of two or three PhD bursaries per year.  Fine.  Great.  It's only just recently hit me though, that there's a very good chance I won't get the AHRC; then what?  I mean, I'm using this year to research my thesis topic, and do all the legwork, before writing a [hopefully] well-planned, and well-constructed proposal, which is what the AHRC money rests on.  But there's the competition; people from across the country will be applying for places too, many of them a lot brighter than me, I'm sure.  So it's definitely not a done deal.

I do have some advantages; I've already been a student at this campus, so know the staff well, and have their support.  HH and The Legend have provided me with loads of guidance in terms of research, and how to organise myself, and have given a very strong impression that they'll help me through the proposal-writing process.  They've been brilliant actually, and have totally made me believe that I can do this thang.  Providing I get funding. 

I'm working in a Film museum, cataloguing the Disney archive.  Considering my thesis topic is going to be set in the world of Disney – more on that in my next post – I couldn't really be in a better place, as I'm surrounded by magazines containing film reviews, interviews with animators, promotional material and so on.  Boss has basically given me free rein, saying that if there is anything I want to look at while I'm there, all I need do is ask.  A vast collection of archived secondary research at my fingertips; check.

I have a year to prepare – well, eight months now – but it's a lot longer, and more relaxed, than coming straight out of a Masters, which is the case for a lot of students.  In a way, I kind of wish I had gone straight on, without taking this year out, just to get it over and done with; I'd be nearly at the end of my first year by now.  Then I remember what a mess I was in the last year, how stressful I found studying the MA and writing a dissertation, without the added pressure of writing a 3000-word proposal.  I did need this break, to clear my head; I know it sounds totally lame, and lazy, but it's been great not having to think about anything remotely academic for a few months.  It's what I needed.  Though, it's amazing how quickly you can forget how to write properly, and this blog, along with proof-reading my niece's undergraduate essays, has really helped to keep my slightly furry brain ticking over.

So, yes, in theory, I'm in a really good position, and am lucky to have a lot of extra support, resources and advice on tap.  I'm just concerned that I'm going through all this effort, doing all this work – not that I've done much yet, but I will – and getting myself worked up – yup, it has begun – only to be disappointed next year if I don't get funding.  I'm not one of these overly optimistic types that gets their hopes up, only to be constantly disappointed; I'm a spoonie after all, I'm used to being let down. 

I do really wanna do this, and sooner is obviously much better than later; if I get on the course next year, I won't graduate till I'm 30, and that's if I go full-time.  Both HH and The Legend have, quite strongly, suggested I go part time, at least to start with, as I guess they can [vividly] remember what a nightmare I was last year.  They're probably right, and I can't describe how amazing it feels to hear how much they care, but that means I won't graduate until I'm at least 33… Looking at it written down like that, it doesn't seem like much difference, but it is really and, apart from anything else, my parents – both in their 70s – aren't getting any younger, and three years might make quite a big difference to them.  I want them to see me graduate, after all.

On the other hand, I'm doing a PhD for me, not for anyone else, thus I should only be running to my timeline of needs.  Even then, getting it finished in three years has its advantages too; I'll be much more employable by the age of 30, and might end up with a career lecturing or researching for the next 20 or 30 years. 

I'm less likely to be affected by a change in support staff, whether that be supervisors, note-takers, or personal carers at home, in three years than I am in six.  Course, people may leave due to illness, babies, new jobs etc during my three years of studying, but it's likely I'll experience less upheaval in a shorter space of time, which is something I need to think about.   I do get too attached to people, I know that, and I gotta stop doing it.  The Wife's called me on it before, and she is right; she's always right but, in my defence, when you need to trust someone to look after your most basic needs, and have to share your [sometimes quite personal] history with that person, you can't help but become attached.  Well, I can't, and I've really gotta stop it.  It's not really just the attachment issue, though that's a big part of it, it's having to explain my needs to someone new, over and over again.  To be honest, I'm getting used to it, now I have carers in at home, so maybe this isn't such a big deal.  I would be disappointed though if, for instance, I got halfway through a PhD and my supervisor – most likely to be HH or The Legend, due to my topic – left, because they know me and my 'issues', I trust them, and I can talk to them.

Anyway, the whole part-time/full-time debate is something that's going to be ongoing for a while, and may not be resolved till I start the course, if then.  That is the least of my worries, really – so why the hell am I fretting about it now??! – and my main problem is funding.

As I said, there's the AHRC, which covers PhDs and research projects in humanities, which Film falls into.  The ESRC covers economic, business and social projects, so I wouldn't qualify for one of their grants, but a lot of their areas of research coincide with those of the AHRC, thus it's good to at least be aware of them.  Failing these guys, there really is very little else in terms of funding opportunities for PhD, and nothing out there specifically for spoonies wanting to go down this path.  I'm sure there are thousands of institutions and organisations that would offer bursaries for particular research projects, but these are usually offered to one person at a time and, in my experience, are largely in the fields of medicine, science, business and sociology. 

I have looked up so many charities over the past two years – I tried to get funding for my MA – that I've lost count of how many 'no's' I've received.  I'm not saying that because I'm disabled I should automatically get funding, but it all just seems to stop at PhD level, for everyone, not just spoonies.  The Prince's Trust, for example, which is all for helping young people get into education, won't fund university course fees, at any level, which, to me, seems a tad fucked.  I even wrote to Disney, to ask whether they had any funding schemes or initiatives, only to be directed to a page on their site that stated that they are not "able to support personal appeals on behalf of individual people, including scholarships, challenges or overseas volunteering".  So that was that.

I know that no charity is going to give me the whole £14.400 – it's gone up, great – to cover the course fees, but no one seems to be interested in offering me anything, which is pretty depressing really.  I mean, as a spoonie, I have no delusions of grandeur, and completely understand that I'm much less employable than an able-bodied person, and undoubtedly more expensive, due to sick pay, extra equipment, and the need for a personal assistant.  I also know that I could probably only work part-time, and may find it difficult to travel on occasions, because of ill-health, or issues with care.  I get all that.  But what I don't understand is that I, along with many other spoonies out there, am trying to make myself more employable, and more valuable "to society", by furthering my education to this level, while in turn researching something that may prove useful to others, yet there doesn't seem to be any financial support or imperative to do so.  Considering one of the main issues at the moment is unemployability, you'd think the government, or someone, would say:

'Hey, well done for wanting to achieve and better yourself, when life is pretty tough for you, and ultimately give back to a society that hasn't done a whole lot for you, here's £500'

Is it me?  Am I wrong; is there anything out there that I don't know about?  If so, please, please let me know, because anything would be a bonus.

KT xxx

Source Unknown

I feel really sick.  Sorry, that's not the topic of today; I don't know what the topic of today actually is, but it's not that.  I just thought I'd state a [pretty boring and pointless, yet honest] fact, particularly if this post ends being short because of it.  Although, this post may well be very succinct anyway, on account of the fact I don't feel I have anything much to say… Figured I should write something, as it's been ages, and I don't want to get lazy, but then I don't believe in blogging for the sake of it either.  So I'll try to make this slightly interesting, for all our sakes.

I haven't achieved very much since my last post; I've spent most of my free time proof-reading my niece's BA dissertation, which has taken a fair few hours, though it was only 10,000 words.  Other than T, no one has ever asked me to proof read an essay before, and it's really hard.  I mean, I was taught the 'rules' of 'good' essay writing, as I'm sure a lot of people are, but it doesn't mean that these rules tally, or apply to all forms of academic writing.  Like, when I was at secondary school, the same one that T attended, I was never told not to write in the first person; arguably the most basic rule going, right?  I was sent off to Uni, to do a course on Journalism, ffs, with no idea how to write a decent essay. Yet, once I went into FE, after The Event, such rules were drummed into us, thank god and, I think [hope], my writing dramatically improved.  Course, just being at Uni, and having to write endless essays really does wonders for your skills, but I find it really interesting to see how differently students are taught the basics, if at all.  I mean, I was taught referencing until I could repeat the lessons in my sleep, yet the majority of my fellow university students had no idea what to do, which I believe is still the case for many new undergrads. 

I'm not saying I'm brilliantly clever, cos I'm definitely not, or that I've had the best education going, or that my way of writing is the right way, as I believe no matter how good you think you are, you can still learn from others, and improve yourself.  I'm just saying that there doesn't seem to be one umbrella system of rules for good academic writing, and it's really difficult when you move from one institution to another, or compare work from a variety of sources, to really know where you stand.  I hope the advice I gave T was helpful and, most importantly, correct, as I know how emotionally attached you can become to longer pieces of writing, and thus how difficult it can be to let others read, and potentially criticise, the work that you've put your heart and soul into.  It is a big responsibility to proof read for somebody; I don't think I really appreciated that until now, better go and thank Gloria again then!  My input was gratefully received by T though, and she did all the hard work, I merely edited, and added a few comments here and there. 

It was quite a privilege actually, that she trusted my judgement enough to let me help, but now I'm done – she's handing in today – I really should knuckle down and do some proper work for myself.  I'm supposed to be researching for my PhD, and really trying to pin down my corpus – what the hell I'm writing about – before putting together a proposal.  If I don't get the proposal bang on, then I won't stand any chance of getting a scholarship, and consequently won't be doing a PhD any time soon, so no pressure, and no half-hearted attempts.  I have to focus, grrrr – that's me being determined and driven, by the way.

Other than proof-reading, I haven't done a lot.  I've been out a bit with SB, my enabler, though that hasn't been completely smooth, as she cancelled on me last week, due to a bad back.  I don't begrudge anyone time off because of illness, and everyone deserves a holiday too, naturally, but SB has cancelled on me a fair few times since becoming my enabler, and it is more than a little concerning.  Before VW left, she promised to show SB the ropes, and give her a few practice runs on how to get me in and out the car safely and securely, yet SB postponed this arrangement a good four or five times before we got together.  It was in the back of my mind then, whether SB was taking this new role seriously as, although she's a carer anyway, maybe this job wouldn't be as important as her 'main' career.  I let it pass as, admittedly, I was desperate to make sure I wasn't left without an enabler, and the fact that I'd been 'allowed' two more hours a week, plus the increased flexibility meant that this was really too good an opportunity to miss.  Besides, when SB did begin her 'training' she was very competent and confident, and I already knew and got on well with her, so it made sense to carry on, rather than beginning the seemingly endless task of tracking down somebody else, who probably wouldn't be as flexible – because they wouldn't live right round the corner, or be free from 11 every weekday morning etc.  It seemed ideal to hire SB and, without sounding totally hard done by, it's not often that things seem to just work out like that for me; they generally take months, maybe even years of planning, and it's a stressful, exhausting nightmare.  So when things look doable, I try and go for them then and there, before the offer ends, so to speak.

It has worked out well, to some extent.  When we have been out, it's been really relaxed; we've organised everything between ourselves, and have had no real worries about when I must get home again; long as it fits in with SB's life, of course.  But, like I say, she has cancelled on me, a fair few times, if you include the initial false starts I mentioned earlier.  It does annoy me, though the times that she has let me down have never been that critical, as I've not had any real plans.  I'm waiting for that one.  I just assumed she was reliable – is anyone though, really? – and would take this job as seriously as her role as a carer.  Maybe she does really value this job, and I've asked her if she's still up for it, which she says she is, so perhaps it's just teething problems, or genuinely bad luck. 

I am gonna give her the benefit of the doubt, and see what happens; if she lets me down again, particularly if I've made important plans, then I'll definitely have to think differently.  The Wife'll probably kill me, because she told me to complain about SB's absences, but I really don't wanna lose this service.  It is just a service; I'm not attached to SB, like I was VW, so it's not the fact of losing her as a person that's the problem.  It's the fact that my family and I receive very little support as it is, which is entirely our own fault because we've always 'managed' on our own, without asking for help until recently.  Now, while I have a small amount of home care, almost as a supplement to mother – I'd genuinely accept more help, but my mother feels that, while she's here, and relatively able she should do the majority – I still have to kick and scream to get anything else.  My OT is worse than useless, and I've been waiting nearly three years for her to set me up with a hoist so that my carers are able to move me without my mother's assistance, only then can I really begin to think about 24 hour care.  It isn't fair that it should be this damn hard, and I'm getting upset now, so should probably take that as my cue to go, cos I refuse to feel sorry for myself.  That won't get me anywhere, whereas complaining and screaming blue murder might, so I'm going try the latter tactic, methinks.  Though, why should I have to??  Argh, going.

BW xxx

Round-Up

Crazy, mad-busy week this week, so today's post is a summary of all that's happened; dead exciting stuff too, you'll be hooked.

Monday

Did bugger all.  I figured I needed to conserve my spoons for the week ahead, that, and I popped a rib sneezing, which didn't rate too high on the pain scale, but I spent the day in bed anyway.

Tuesday

Worked at the museum, as per, but stayed on an extra hour as I knew I'd be meeting The Legend for a PhD-related chat, and I'd missed a couple days' work last month due to illness/malfunctioning chair, so didn't wanna take the piss.  Not that I get paid, but I'm nice like that I guess.  Felt that extra hour too, but hardly slept that night cos my rib was killing me – The Wife will tell me off after reading this; she told me not to go in if I was hurting.  I wasn't till I got home, honest! 

It was worth it though, seeing The Legend, as I knew it would be.  She loved my proposed PhD topic – well, she would; it was her comments on my MA dissertation that 'inspired' me!  Not gonna go into too much detail about my subject yet, in case somebody happens to nick it before I get there.  It's hardly finalised either, and needs a lot of polishing.  Let's just say, that I'm thinking older women in Disney films, which is pretty much as fair as I've got, too be honest!

Yeah, so The Legend approved – always a bonus – and gave me some research tips, which I'm gonna make every effort to follow up; if I do this, I'm doing it properly.  She has actually got me quite excited and determined about it; I knew if anyone would, it'd be her.  On the other hand, I'd already made up my mind that, if I'd come away from that meeting still feeling terrified – not that I'm not a bit terrified – and unsure, then I wasn't ready for a PhD yet.  Guess maybe I am, I think.  Like I say, it still scares me to death, and I said as much to The Legend, who replied with 'it is hard' – duhhh – but she thought I could do it.  She also said 'we' a lot, like 'we'll plan a proposal' – in the summer, when I'm to go back and see her – or 'we'll have great fun researching this'.  I thought this was sweet, and hope I'm not deluding myself by thinking that The Legend is really gonna see me through, and be dead supportive.  Not that I ever doubted that, but it was lovely to hear – assuming I'm right – and has made me look forward to this next, mahoosive, step.  I'd probably end up with The Legend, or HH, or both, as my supervisor(s), cos of my topic, so I know I'd be well looked after, and should get a lot out of the experience.  There's the prospect of me teaching while studying too, starting by shadowing a lecturer, then gradually doing a bit myself.  Love the idea of this; how it'll work in practise I'm not sure, depending on the practicalities, and whether students will even take to me – quite a major concern for some spoonies, I imagine.  Still, it's a challenge, and I'm not one to be overly concerned about what other people think, so bring it on.  In 19 months.  I'm not that ready.

Another thing that warmed me to The Legend was that she asked not only how I was, but how things were going at home with carers, and the hoisting/lifting saga – which I know I haven't discussed in great detail here. I will, but it'll be a ranty one, and I need to build up to it.  Anyway, aside from The Wife, Gloria and VW, none of my friends ever ask me about this stuff; how I'm really getting on, and it makes me love the people that do even more, cos they care, else they wouldn't ask.  Course, as I'm not half as close to The Legend as the above three, I gave her a slightly watered down version of events; a bit 'I'm fine' but with greater honesty, and she was very understanding, and annoyed for me – again, I will explain at a later date.

All in all, Tuesday was good, but I used a lot of spoons.

Oh, I met one of the main 'donors' to the museum too.  He was the 'partner' – in quotes as I'm not sure what kind of partner, and don't like to ask – of the [now deceased] founder, and still sends a loada film-related stuff through from time to time.  Very sweet chap, thanking me for all my 'hard work', bless.

Wednesday

Went with new enabler – referred to as SB from this point on, reckon she's passed the trial period – to see War Horse at the cinema.  Awesome, tragic film, though I didn't cry, surprisingly, thought I'd be a wreck.  I think, probably, had I been at home, in the comfort of my bed, I would've bawled.  Gok Wan had me going a couple weeks ago; I will cry at anything, but don't cry in public.  It's not that I won't, cos I was quite prepared to on Wednesday, and wouldn't have minded a good ol' cathartic weep, but I just don't.  Much. 

I'm really hoping to be able to go to the cinema way more often, now I've got SB; I went once in 2011, and I am a Film grad.  Sorry, Post-grad *grins*.  Apart from anything else, it's great to do something normal – for non-spoonies – that I don't often get the opportunity to do.  Mother moaned at me for making SB drive me to Tesco first, to get supplies – yup, I smuggled in; so sue me – cos of the effort of getting me in and out the car.  SB was ok about it, I'd checked with her numerous times while we were making the arrangements, and we've got it down to a fine art now, pretty swiftly too.  No problems.  To be honest, and I've noticed this when I've gone out with VW, mother seems to get dead touchy – shitty – with me before I go out.  It's probably just a slightly heightened way of nagging me; maybe she's nervous about me going out without her.  I can't help thinking though, and this is gonna sound awful, but maybe she's jealous that I'm choosing to do these fun, normal things with someone else… I expect I'm totally wrong, and I'm sure she understands that I need people like VW and SB to keep me bloody sane!  Almost sane.

I'd had to get up early – earlier than normal – as mum went to my sisters', and going out used a lot of spoons, as I was sitting for a good six hours – following Tuesday's longer stint, and little sleep, so I was pretty knackered Wednesday night.

Thursday

Had my haircut, no biggie… Yeah, actually I hate getting my hair cut, and I always felt like a bit of a twat, as I know a lot of people find it very relaxing and enjoyable.  However, after reading Christin Miserandino's Spoon Theory, I can imagine this task could be difficult for other spoonies, and had a tweet from someone this week to confirm this. 

Following my spinal fusion op at the age of six, I can't sit upright unaided, or hold my own head up.  So, when it comes to the hairdessers', I need someone – mother – to do it for me.  Leaning forward, even for a matter of a few minutes, kills my back and neck; probably cos the muscles don't get used much.  It takes less than 20 minutes to have my hair cut, but I'm left aching and exhausted afterwards and, coupled with Tuesday and Wednesday's exploits, I was running very low on spoons by this point.

Friday

Another early start, so no chance of earning a few spoons back with a lie in.  I did spend most of the day horizontal; either in bed, or on my sister's settee when I was there in the afternoon, but I was already so tired that any effort was spoon-consuming. 

Saturday

Today.  Currently lying in bed while dictating/typing this, so conserving some spoons, though I did go out briefly with the parentals this morning.  I'm likely gonna be able to spend the next couple days resting up, which ordinarily would fill me with dread of the threat of boredom, but I think I'm going to need that time, cos I am tired.  I must be getting old, as I obviously somehow managed a five-day week at college, back in the day.  I dunno, maybe now that I understand the Spoon Theory, I'm aware of how I feel? 

It doesn't help that I woke myself up unnecessarily early [again] this morning, after a really emotional dream about Gloria; mother had upset her somehow, and she wrote me a letter saying basically, as much as she loved me, she couldn't work with me anymore.  It's all a bit blurry, though I do remember crying a lot, but that was the gist.  It still gets me a bit now actually, thinking about it, and I'm just going to ring Gloria for a chat; though I won't be telling her about the dream.  She'll think I'm bonkers, which I probably am, though I think it smacks of needy if I'm honest.  I'd die if I lost Gloria's friendship over a row, not to mention VW or, god forbid, The Wife.  I think it says a lot that I was more upset about this dream than I was over losing K's 'friendship' last week.  But I digress, going now!

BW xxx

Short and Mad

I was intending to write about something else, way more specific, this week, but I can't seem to settle my mind on anything at the moment.  Hence, this rather short post, full of mad ramblings.

VW had her baby on Friday night; I found out yesterday evening.  I wasn't half as emotional as I thought I'd be, even when I spoke to her, but I am more excited, and proud, than I've ever been for a friend before*.  Probably because I've never been there during any other friends' pregnancies; watching it all develop, and talking about the gory details.  I've actually felt part of this; in a totally healthy, knowing-where-the-boundaries-are, kinda way, and hope that I can watch little Charlie boy grow up; which again, I've missed out on with friends.  I'm not as broody as I thought I'd be either, hurrah!  I think I've got over all that and, while I still think having a baby must be incredible, I'm not as hung up about me having a baby.  Aside from @sarahwithstars, who knows how much she means to me, VW has become one of my closest friends, and I guess it could seem that I'm living the baby thing vicariously though her.  Maybe I am.  I think I've come to realise, with a little help, that there are other things in life, besides s.e.x., and children and, as a spoonie, I've got to focus on the things I can do, rather than those I can't/might not.  Also, I think mother might have twigged how I've been feeling, though I thought I'd hidden it pretty well, cos yesterday she was talking about the practicalities of how I could hold Charlie.  I dunno, it's just the way she said it, like she felt a bit sorry for me, and that at least VW might let me 'borrow' her baby for a bit.  Borrowing is fine by me now though, I need my sleep!

Dad had the 'your mother and I aren't going to be around forever' talk to me yesterday, in regards to what I was doing about a PhD.  Dad isn't one for serious convos; in fact, he isn't one for any type of convo, due to a brain injury he suffered years ago, followed by hydrocephalus, which totally affected his social interaction skills.  So when he does try to talk to me seriously, I do make the effort to properly listen, even when I don't agree.  He said he wanted to see me doing something I enjoyed, and that I'm interested in, beyond the four walls of our, rather bijoux, bungalow, and that a PhD would mean me getting a job in a place I'm already happy and confident in., i.e. the University. 

Now, I dunno whether my parents are a bit naïve, or just very optimistic, cos obviously a PhD does not guarantee a job.  It's definitely a step towards becoming a lecturer, which I'd love to do, or a researcher, which I could do – though this strikes me as a pretty lonely career; surely one of the main aspects of spoonies achieving employment is the social side? – But it's not a guarantee.  Yes, a PhD would give me something to do for the next three years, and would hopefully lead on to something, but I can't justify putting myself through all that as a cure for boredom, and if nothing came of it in the end, I'd be gutted.  That realisation has just hit me as I typed it; not that I might not get anything after a PhD – I'm not stupid, I know the score – but how I'd feel about that.  Not great, judging by how I'm feeling right now, simply imagining it! 

On the other hand, I've always quite liked the idea of teaching – I am from a family of teachers, though I'm adopted… Nurture 1: Nature 0 – and I think I'd be best suited at the further education level; where students are a bit more… accepting.  Teaching is one of the few careers that I can see really fitting around my disability, though I would still need some support.  So why the hell don't I just get on with it?!  I'm nearly 26, and I've never had a 'proper' job.  I could totally do this.  I think… I even wrote down a title that I'd quite like to use yesterday, with three bullet points, and it wasn't all that scary!  Other people believe that I can do it too, which is very flattering, but a lot of added pressure not to fail, and are waiting for me to come knock on their doors for a chat.  Maybe I will; have that chat I mean!  It can't hurt to talk this all through to someone who can tell me all the gory details.  Talking to Bill was really helpful the other week, and I thought that I'd be even more honest with HH – my amazing MA supervisor – or The Legend, who were both aware how tough I found things last year.  I might just do that; even to just put all these crazy, mixed up thoughts, into some kind of order.

BW xxx

* I mean proud in relation to a friend reproducing here.  This is not the most proud I've ever been of a friend; that accolade goes to The Wife, particularly referring to the well-deserved news she gave me last night but, in general, that girl just makes me bloody proud!  Thank god I've had her to discuss all the above with too, cos trust me, my blog posts would be even more garbled without her.

Doctor When

I graduated on Saturday!  You are now looking at [the blog of] Bad Wolf MA *beams* - that is never gonna get old   Bit surreal really, being up on that stage with the lovely Floella 'Make a difference, change the world, make us proud' Benjamin.  Many times I thought I'd never make it to graduation, and I know I freaked out those around me too (Gloria, The Wife), but they kept me sane, and both of them have said how proud they are, which means a lot.

What also felt weird was being on campus as a non-student.  I know I've worked at the museum for four months now, but that feels different somehow, largely cos it's kinda on the edge of campus, and maybe just cos it feels like a job – albeit unpaid.  Not that I miss being a student, hell no.  Though, apparently, I want to do a PhD… Funny story, not.

After the ceremony on Saturday, I went up to the reception to see a few people, and was immediately accosted by The Prof. with 'I hear you want to do a PhD?'.  Slightly lost for words, I didn't immediately respond, other than to um and ahh a bit, but mother, well, she jumped on this bandwagon.  So mother and The Prof. set about planning my future, discussing possible funding opportunities and so on.  The Prof. then calls over another Film lecturer, Bill, and tells him how interested I am in taking on a doctorate.  Fortunately, for me, he had to rush off to pick up his brood, but not before agreeing wholeheartedly with The Prof. that there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't apply for, and receive, funding.

Then we see my boss who mother, excited by the aforementioned conversation, harasses into giving his opinion on the matter.  He agreed with The Prof. and Bill – well of course he would – that there were many funding options available, and he'd even look into them for me – woo hoo.  Boss even asked if I wanted him to arrange for South to come and see me while I'm working at, to talk about possible PhD topics – OK, this I readily agreed to.   Sing was there too, and he was about the only one that listened to me that day when I said I didn't miss studying, and wasn't ready to do a PhD yet.  Though, that was probably because mother had left me unattended for all of a minute to go and get a drink.  Bless all these people for trying their best; they obviously believed that, not only did I want to do it, but that I could do it, which is naturally very flattering.

God, I even got a congratulations card from Gloria's daughter-in-law, saying 'Hope the PhD is going well'.  It really did feel like I was the only one that didn't think I was doing a PhD, though The Wife and VW both advised me not to do it, while Gloria told me to do what I thought was right, cos they listen, see?

I went home on a natural high from the festivities and, while the threat of a PhD had seemed to move closer, and it was all mother could talk about, it still only felt like a threat; not a promise.  However, on Monday night I switch on my BlackBerry – yup, I finally have a decent phone – to discover three e-mails from Boss; two of them information on post-graduate funding, while the other is informing me that he's arranged for Bill to come down to tomorrow (yesterday), to discuss applying for the Arts and Humanities Research Council (AHRC) grant, whose deadline closes on January 31^st.  Now, I have to admit, I knew when the AHRC deadline was, and I was deliberately trying to avoid it.  Well, if I wasn't planning on applying, why did I need to acknowledge it?  But, because Boss and Bill had been led to believe that this is what I wanted to do, they considered this 'urgent'.  Cue freak out.  Seriously, I cried, my heart raced; total flight response.  I just felt like I'd suddenly been pushed into a corner, and there was no way out – stupid I know.  The Wife, quite rightly, gave me a virtual slap, and told me to just say no, but I felt so guilty.  These people had gone to some trouble to try and help me out, and I was going to look like a right idiot, and totally waste their time, by saying that, actually, I don't want to do this. 

That physical reaction I had was almost the last bit of proof I needed that I really wasn't ready, it was similar to how I often felt during the MA; totally out of control, and overwhelmed.  It's like, I'd put the MA, and all my feelings towards it – good and bad – away in a box on a shelf in my mind, and I was quite happy with it just sitting there.  I knew it was there, and it was well within my reach, but it was tucked away enough that it wasn't bothering me, and I wasn't constantly tripping over it.  Now though, with all this talk of the PhD, it was like someone had come in and found my MA box, tipped it all over the floor, and left a right mess in my already cluttered mind.  The MA is still comparatively recent too, so all these feelings are pretty raw, which doesn't help.  Suppose it's like after giving birth, you'd say 'never again', but a couple years later... Yeah well, I haven't forgotten the pain yet.

So anyway, I was worried.  I knew I had to tell Bill the full story but, aside from looking like a time waster, I knew I'd probably get upset talking about all this, and I hate crying in front of people.  Especially male people.  Bill was 'booked' to be there at 10 a.m., for when I arrived at the museum, and I was worried that mother – who drops me off – would insist on staying, and I wouldn't get a word in edgeways.  Fortunately, Bill was characteristically late, and mother had already gone.

Bill, and Boss – we stayed in the main office, so it wasn't exactly private – were great!  Neither of them had realised how uncertain I was, and Bill was so understanding, telling me I should only ever do the PhD when I was ready – which is what The Legend said to me ages ago.  I told Bill how tough I'd found the MA – I could totally feel myself getting upset – and he agreed I should give myself some time to really think about what I wanted, and take that pressure off.  He could see I'd been flattered by the fact that everyone believed I could do it – everyone in the Film department apparently, *blushes* – but I shouldn't do it because other people wanted me to, or because there was a window of opportunity; there would be more.  Finally, Bill said that I was in the perfect place being in the museum, and I could use that to my advantage; if I come across something interesting while cataloguing, that I'd like to research further, that could become the basis of my thesis.  Equally, Boss said that if I came up with an idea that I'd like to look into, and he knew that the museum held relevant artefacts, he'd let me use my time there to view them.  I'm to use my position as an advantage – not something that occurs often – and call on Bill/HH/The Legend/Sing/South if and when I ever need them cos, even though I'm not a student anymore, I'm still 'one of their favourites', so they'd make an exception for me.

Aaaaand relax!  That convo was just what I needed, and to think, it was with Bill, i.e. A Bloke.  They do have hearts sometimes.  I was planning to have this kind of conversation in the near future anyway, to clear the air, and try and sort out how I felt about a PhD, but I was thinking of talking to HH, or The Legend.  Although initially I freaked out about being put in that position, I'm glad I was in the end, as it made me confront the issue, and voice how I really felt.  OK, so Bill and Boss maybe weren't the ideal sounding boards but, actually, I think that almost helped, as I had to a) really compose myself, and make my thoughts cohesive, rather than be an emotional wreck and b), it's always supposed to be easier to talk to someone less involved.  Personally, I'm not very good at talking, and I have to really bond with people, and trust them within an inch of my life before I tell them anything remotely juicy, so Gloria, VW, and The Wife know everything, I should think they need counselling now.  So I was quite surprised how honest I was with Bill; maybe I've grown up a bit, and learnt to speak up for myself.  It's only taken 25 and a half years, not bad.  Or maybe I trust Bill more than I thought, and I should give him more credit, after all, I've known him for over four years, and he and the Film/English department have been incredibly supportive; still are it appears.

So I feel much better, like a weight has been lifted.  A weight that I wasn't completely aware even existed.  As far as I was concerned, I had no immediate plans to do a PhD; it was like a threatening storm cloud, just viewable in the distance.  After the events of the weekend, said cloud was right overhead, about to drown me, but now it's back on the horizon again.  It doesn't seem that threatening anymore either, weirdly.  When I repeated my conversation with Bill to mother – not exactly word for word, but she got the gist – I actually felt positive, and even talked about my next graduation with The Wife – who was appalled.  Knowing I've still got the support of the staff that I've grown to love over the past four years is an incredible boost, and having the time and resources to make my decision without any pressure is brilliant.  I'm not saying I will definitely be applying next year and, even if I did, there's no guarantee I'd get funding anyway, but I do feel that it is something that I'm probably going to do now, whereas before, it was probably not.  Might change my mind again tomorrow, knowing me I probably will.

BW MA xxx