Depressions of a Mad Wolf

Yes I know, I've commited the ultimate sin of blogging and haven't posted for, what, a week?  Just having a few psychological issues at the moment, hopefully normal service will soon be resumed.  Again, nothing has actually happened, but last Wednesday I had a complete meltdown, where everything just got way, way, WAY too much, and I ended up crying solidly for a good three hours.  Seriously. 

I don't like to say I'm Depressed (with a capital D), as there are people in the world actually suffering from this illness, and describing yourself as 'Depressed' totally belittles the severity of the real thing.  But, I did feel awful last week; it's been brewing for a while, and at the time I would've said I felt depressed - with a very small d. 

Have got so much work to do at Uni, and I'm completely shattered - our terms are 11 weeks long, which is crucifying to say the least.  Just want a break; in the sense of some time out, not anything to do with bones, because that's the last thing I want.  Funny that, how one word can simultaneously mean something that I'm desperate for, yet something that I constantly dread...  Anyway, whenever I think of the Christmas holidays, I'm reminded of how much work I've got to do in them, and it's driving me insane.

VW was brilliant, as usual, last week and told me to a) calm down, and b) prioritise  - concentrate on one thing at a time.  Of course she's right, and I'm now trying to take things a bit slower and easier.  Skived off Uni today, which I never do, but it was just more constructive to stay home in the relative warmth, and work, than sit in a seminar which will have no bearing on the content of any of my essays.  Does mean I haven't seen South for a week, which was a tough price to pay.  Have even drawn up a little timetable of when I want to start and finish each essay - sad I know, but it helps me sleep at night - and I think I'll be ok.  Doesn't stop me worrying about the slightest thing at the moment though; I think I've totally lost the plot actually.  It really bothers me that no one else seems to be such a gibbering wreck as me - though, I wouldn't wish how I felt last Wednesday on too many people - and also that, if I'm this messed up about writing 12,000 words in 7 weeks - which is what it ultimately boils down to - then what the hell am I going to be like when it comes to writing a 20,000 word dissertation?  I've spent many a fun hour contemplating that.

I'll be back, but I may be some time...

BW xxx

PS, Dark Handsome Stranger announced that last Wednesday was his final seminar with us.  As if I wasn't depressed enough, could've cried there and then.  But I didn't.  Waited till I got home instead.

Wanted

With Christmas fast approaching (arrrrggghhh, I know) I, along with the vast majority of the population, have been thinking about what the hell to get the nearest and dearest.  For the past couple years, I've taken to writing an itemised list of things that I'd like, and 9 times outta 10, it's paid off.  Maybe I'm a spoilt brat, but I never ask for the Earth, just the odd DVD (which my mother loathes buying for me), book, PS2 game etc, and it saves the annual Oscar-winning performance of: 'Wow, that's awesome.  Thanks a lot'.

This post, however, is not a 'please may I have...?' list, or even a wish list; it's a Want (with a capital W), Veruca Salt, don't-care-how-I-want-it-now, kinda list.  I was always told by my wise elders that 'I want never gets', and in the case of the following items, they're probably right.

#1 - David Tennant - c'mon, did you expect anything less?  Difficult to post I imagine, but fun to unwrap, I imagine... frequently...

#2 - A Boyfriend - preferably David Tennant, but failing that, ANYONE will do.  Well, maybe not anyone; they've gotta be able to accept me, for me, and see past my disability and many (many) oddities.  Does such a man exist??  No offence lads, but I've not found one yet.  It's not just about the sex, though I've heard it can be pretty good, I wouldn't know.  It's more about the feeling of being wanted, being needed and, ultimately, being loved.  I mean, I know I am loved, I get that impression quite often; from my friends, but it's never in that way... Least I don't think it is... I keep having visions of ending up like SuBo - only without the amazing voice - I'm already half as bonkers.

#3 - A Baby - said all this before, and ideally I need Item 2 first, though these days... Anyway, yes, super broody.  Nearly all my closest friends have now reproduced and, while I'm beyond happy for them, and think all their children are gorgeous, it does remind me of what I don't, and might never, have.  I don't even know if I could, physically like, but it'd be nice to find out.

#4 - A Job - I'm 24, and I've never had a full-time job.  Fact.  I have worked before; I've been a local correspondant on a Disability magazine, but we only met quarterly; I've been a volunteer classroom assisstant and support worker at my secondary school, which I loved, but it was only voluntary; and I've written small articles for a couple of local newspapers, but they were always about me, I wasn't actually working for anyone.  I love working with people, and I think I wanna teach (Film or Media Studies pref), but then I like the idea of working within the (rather vague) world of student support.  So really, I have no concrete idea of what I want to do.  There's also the small fact that, whatever I do, I'm gonna need support, and I don't know how the hell that would work, or even if it's remotely possible.  Had hours of endless fun thinking about that one,

#5 - Gas and Air to be available on prescription - have had it on two separate occasions now; once after breaking my arm, then as a result of The Event.  It is some seriously good shit but, and please take note ladies, it does not take the pain away; just makes you feel so stoned that you don't care how much it hurts, or how much you scream.  Now, who doesn't want their own personal supply of Entonox in their home?

#6 - A Hug - physically an impossibility for me, as I'm likely to shatter into a thousand pieces, which I know from experience, hurts.  But still, it would be nice sometimes, and of the many things I can't do, it's the one thing I wish I could.  Well, there are some other things...

BW xxx

PS, found out Dark Handsome Stranger's full name, so am now free to stalk him on Facebook, hurrah!  Though, this does mean that I've discovered he has a girlfriend, boo hoo.  Oh, and he's younger than me.  Brilliant.  Now I just feel like a perv, an old perv at that.

Top Blokes

I'm in a really bad mood.  Dunno why, just woke up like it.  I'm not particularly stressed; I mean I've got a bit of work to do, but nothing unmanageable; and nothing majorly crappy has happened.  I can't even blame the old whipping boy that is PMT - unless the 'P' can stand for post?  I just feel shit.  Maybe I'm tired, I find Uni pretty hard-going sometimes, especially Wednesdays; which just go on forever.  Just feel like having a bloody good cry actually, but instead I'm gonna try and cheer myself up by blogging about gorgeous men... then I'll have that cry.

Über shallow I know, but here is a Top of The Pops-style rundown of the 5 hottest blokes in the Universe, in my humble opinion:

#1 - David Tennant - Sex.  On.  Legs.  I am so in love with this man, I don't quite know what to do with myself.  He first came to my attention as The Doctor - before that I'd ashamedly never heard of him before - but I quite happily fancy him in all guises; even as the rather camp Ghost of Christmas Present, in Catherine Tate's Nan's Christmas Carol (Anderson, 2009).  It's not just looking at him either; his voice has the same cataclysmic effect.  Whenever I hear that gorgeous Scottish timbre, I get this massive cheesy grin on my face, go all giggley, and my heartbeat increases by, like, a thousand BPM.  Surely that's love, right?  He is literally in a universe of his own, and anyone else I claim to be attracted to, comes a very distant runner-up.  Oh, and he's a phenomenally brilliant actor too.

#2 - Johnny Depp.  Yes, I know basically anybody with eyes and a pulse fancies The Depp, but I'm sorry, when someone is that pretty I just gotta go with the flow.  Also, he makes a damn fine pirate!  It feels very wrong to find mucky old Captain Jack Sparrow attractive, but I can't help it; think it's the eyes.

#3 - Tom Hardy.  The actor, not writer, no idea what he looked like, but he did write some great books...  Anyway, Tom Hardy; he isn't my usual 'type', kinda rough and rugged, bit of a bad boy, but HOT.

#4 - John Barrowman.  Very gay: check.  Slight look of Tom Cruise: check (and immediately moving on), but still; he looks great in a military jacket, as evidenced in his portrayal of Torchwood's Captain Jack Harkness.  Oooo, another Captain Jack, I see a pattern emerging... albeit a very short one, he was the last.

#5 - Richard Armitage.  Now I don't really follow him as an actor per se.  I mean, I don't watch Spooks, or Robin Hood (who did?), but I think he is very very pretty, and has The Sexiest voice EVER (after David of course).

That's that then... well sort of.  The above Top 5 are just that, but I also wanna pay a brief homage to the following select few who unfortunately didn't make the shortlist.  Well-played boys, well-played:

Joseph Fiennes - by name and nature.  Particularly fine as Agent Benford in Flash Forward.

Jason Merrells - how happy am I that he's now in Emmerdale?

Jenson Button - such a shame that whenever he's on tv, he wears a silly helmet, and drives what can only be described as a Meccano car repeatedly around a track, yawn.  He should get a proper job, like a tv news-reader, or naked model...

Christopher Eccleston - don't like him quite as much as I used to, but in that battered old leather jacket, with that accent; I wouldn't say no.

Aidan Turner - Being Human's Irish vampire, need I say more??

David Boreanaz - another David, and another vampire, this time Angel from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  He went through a brief fat and hairy stage after Buffy (see Dido's White Flag vid), but I believe normal hotness has been resumed.

Dark Handsome Stranger - he's studying for a PhD (a Doctorate, you mucky lot), and often sits in on one of my modules.  Soooooooo lush, kinda like a young David Duchovny - whom I use to fancy, before he became a hairy 'sex addict' - AND he always sits opposite me (DHS, not Duchovny *shudders*.
South - one of my lecturers.  Not typically 'good-looking' I suppose; kinda nerdy, which is a real turn on for me.  Seems to have subscribed to the same school of fashion as the 10th Time Lord - suit/trainers *swoon*.  Plus, he wears those black thick-rimmed glasses that Tennant made so ultra-sexy *double swoon*.  God, maybe I'm more attracted to a 'look' rather than real actual people... *Thinks about Tennant and South without clothes*...  Nahhhhh.

Gok Wan - possibly a guilty pleasure (like Pot Noodle sandwhiches - don't knock till you've tried), but I find him really sexy!  Love what he does in How To Look Good Naked too, though Legend doesn't.  She says that, from a feminist perspective, making women believe that they need nice clothes in order to feel good about themselves is crap, and the whole getting naked ethos is just another form of objectification and voyeurism.  But, as much as I respect Ledge, and bow to her superior wisdom; I disagree!  The way I see it is that, yes Gok uses clothing to build up confidence, but by making women strutt their stuff in the buff, he's saying that we don't need all that clobber to look (and feel great); we can get the same sensation in our own skin.  The fact that he often chooses people that aren't typically regarded in society as 'attractive'; disabled, disfigured, black, homosexual or larger women (and the occasional man) suggests that we're all in the same boat, and shoud be viewed equally; screw convention.  He's made me cry too, and if a bloke makes me cry I generally end up falling in love with them.  How fucked up am I?

Right, that's it then, gonna go put Doctor Who on Youtube now, and have that long-awaited cry.  Though I do feel a tadge better, thinking about all these men.  Not that fancying someone is ever gonna get me anywhere; it hasn't done so yet.  Maybe I should just give up and be a nun.  *Sigh*, come on then David, regenerate, again...

BW xxx

PS, song of the day: Sexy Boy by Air.