OK, so there I am, at the beginning of 2011, struggling away with, frankly, everything. Although I'd started to get myself mentally together in February, and was feeling a lot more positive about certain things, I was completely panicking about the 20,000 word dissertation I still had to write, in order to even attempt to pass my MA in Film. The thought of it scared me half to death; I just couldn't imagine being mentally, and physically, able to cobble together enough research to 'fuel' a 20k essay, let alone write the thing. I also had no idea what I wanted to write about. I remember going to see The Legend in December, who tried to get me to think of a subject – or 'corpus' – I'd enjoy writing about. We discussed maybe writing about the portrayal of women in vampire films – I did know I wanted to focus on feminism. Really though, I was pretty clueless, and not particularly passionate – an important word, will feature heavily in this post – about any subject. I came away from that meeting feeling rubbish – absolutely no reflection on The Legend – so much so, that I reckon I could pinpoint this exact day as the tipping point; the day that it all just got way too much. The day my head exploded... Figuratively speaking, natch.
The next couple months are a bit of a blur, to be honest. I know that, after Christmas, once the worry regarding that, coupled with my bonkers family – and other animals – was over with, I definitely started to pull myself together. Counselling began in March, after my friend Gloria had already removed a load of weight off my shoulders, simply by listening, and I just had one – huge – hurdle left to stagger over, which [finally] leads me back to the beginning – and point – of this post.
While I'd not stopped thinking [fretting] about the dissertation since November, I'd also tried really hard not to think about it, which is as difficult to do as it is to explain. It wasn't till late February, that I finally hit on an idea that might just work as an MA thesis. I'd just written an essay for Sing's module on New Cinemas; we had to choose a film that had sparked debate, positive or negative, over its portrayal of a group not normally the focus of mainstream cinema, i.e. the elderly, disabled, homosexual, those of ethnic origin. Thinking outside the box, I wrote on Disney's Aladdin (1992), and how it, in a nutshell, Westernised the goodies, and emphasised the foreignness of the bad guys.
For the first time in ages, I actually enjoyed writing and researching an essay – what wasn't to like? I had to watch Aladdin several times over – and thought that, maybe, mixing a childish love of Disney with a spot of feminism might be enough to drag me through the next seven months. A lunch date with The Legend helped to finalise this idea, and she sent me off with a few – OK, loads of – wise words, and a starting point for my research. I was still bloody petrified and, had someone said that I could pass the MA without writing the dissertation, then I would have asked them where to sign. In fact, someone sorta did, as Gloria – whose husband is a lecturer – thought that there was a way of avoiding a dissertation, probably based on extenuating circumstances, which resulted in some form of qualification, albeit of a lesser status than a Masters. Bearing in mind what I've just said, and how I was feeling then, it really never occurred to me to just not do it. I suppose I saw it as yet another challenge, and didn't wanna play the 'I'm disabled/stressed' card to get out of doing something that, maybe subconsciously, I knew I could do.
When I saw her a few weeks ago, Gloria confessed that she'd worried I wasn't gonna see the dissertation through. Now, if anyone else had said that, or I'd not completely understood where Gloria was coming from – after all, I was there – I could've been offended into thinking she didn't believe I could do it. But that's not what she meant at all, and a chat with @sarahwithstars – aka The Wife, Gloria's niece, my soul mate – confirmed this. Both Gloria and @sarahwithstars were worried that I didn't believe in myself enough to realise that, actually, I was being a tit – as @sarahwithstars would say – and that this was very doable. Also, back when I was just starting to research, and formulate ideas, Gloria was desperate for me to feel passionate – there it is – in order for me to get anything out of this experience, and to care about it. Well, I definitely wasn't passionate, and thought Gloria was possibly a bit bonkers – who gets excited about an essay? This perception wasn't helped by the fact that Gloria said she'd written her Masters dissertation in three weeks, WTF? So not possible…
I can't really remember the exact order of events that led up to finalising a title but, eventually, this is what I came up with:
'The Women of Disney's Renaissance: Not Such a Fairy Tale?'
Catchy, no? To cut what was a very long process short, I basically figured that the Renaissance era of Disney (1989-99 approx) would provide a narrow, yet interesting background, as it was supposedly a time of change, and modernisation. To narrow it down even further, I chose just two films to focus on; The Little Mermaid (Clements & Musker, 1989), and Beauty and the Beast (Trousdale & Wise, 1991) and, as both of these stories derived from fairy tales, this became the final element.
I was assigned the incredible HH as my supervisor, who I'd previously had for a module on film adaptation so, naturally, this became a big part of my writing; the rationale for the way that these films were adapted, and moulded, by Disney.
I'm not gonna say much more about the content of the dissertation, as I'm hoping to put it up on here, in a modified state, soon. What I will say, and I've hinted at it enough for you to probably not be surprised to learn that… I totally fell in love with my dissertation. I got passionate! Way, way too much actually. Just seeing everything fit together, like my choice of films opening the door for an analysis of fairy tales, or HH providing me with tonnes of resources regarding adaptation theory, became exciting. God, I never thought I'd be one of those people, who got excited about research. Wow. But I did
HH played a big part in my total mind shift. She was such a calming influence, and constantly told me that 'I could do it'. Yes, Gloria had been saying the exact same thing for months, but I think hearing it from somebody else, who wasn't so close, and who wasn't obliged – as a friend would naturally be – to say 'of course you can do it', gave me the final push I needed. I wouldn't say I couldn't have done it without HH or Gloria – though there are many things I couldn't have done without the latter – but without them, I don't think I would have got half as passionate about what I was writing, and the end result definitely wouldn't be what it is today. I wouldn't love it like I do either, I call it my baby. Seriously though, that's not a bad analogy; it took nine months – November, when I started thinking of a suitable subject, to August, when I handed in – of preparation, worry, stress, and discomfort – I barely slept or ate while I was writing – only for me to be left with something that I couldn't leave alone, was immensely proud of, and actually missed when I finally decided that I couldn't do any more for it. To it. See?! I cried when I finished it, HH [nearly] cried I told her I'd finished, and Gloria [again, nearly] cried when I handed in. It was a very emotional time for all concerned. Oh, and what I said about it not being possible to write 20,000 words in three weeks? Yeah, I was wrong; It is. Gloria's always right.
Am I glad I did it? Yup. Would I do it again? Nope. As much as I [eventually] enjoyed the process, it has well and truly put me off studying any further for a long time. Though maybe not forever. The next logical step is a PhD and, while it'd be awesome to be a Doctor, and my mother's desperate for me to do it, the thought of putting myself through all that again, times five – a PhD thesis is 100,000 words – scares the crap outta me; an altogether too familiar feeling. Part of me almost feels I should do it for my parents - who aren't getting any younger - kind of as a 'thanks for supporting me' gesture, and I know there would be a fair few other people who'd be dead proud too; Gloria and The Legend for a start. That thought; of how it would make other people feel, sways me one way. That, and the fact it'd give me a purpose in life for another three years. However, as The Legend said recently, you've gotta a) really want to do a PhD, b) have a 100% solid idea of what to write about and c), be passionate – last time I'm using that word today, promise – about the subject. Currently, a) I don't want to do a PhD, and I'm certainly not doing it because other people want me to, it's got to be for me, or merely as something to do; b) I have a rough idea of what I'd write about, but it largely depends on what's already out there; c) I think maybe all the passion – sorry, that was the last time – I did have got poured into the MA, and there's not a whole lot left. If – dunno, maybe 'when' – I can get conditions a. and c. up to the level of b., then yeah. Maybe. Watch this space… For quite a while.
BW xxx
PS, I do have a potential title for a PhD thesis; it literally popped into my mind a couple days ago, when I was barely thinking about it – I was actually thinking how much I did not want to do it. This title-enlightenment means nothing. Totally zilch. Nada. Nowt.
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