2011 in a Nutshell

Bloody hard work!

No, don't worry, that's not it.  I know I've been very, very absent over the past 11 months - has it really been that long?  Man - But believe me, I've had my reasons.

OK,where the hell to start?   Maybe where I left off last February  So, I had counselling, and it was good.  Seriously.  I didn't need to freak out about it, story of my life; maybe my New Year's resolution should be 'I Will Not Freak Out'.  Yeah, that'll work.   Anywho, although it wasn't face-to-face, and therefore may not be considered as 'real', or 'proper' by some, including me at first, I'll admit, it really was helpful.  Just being able to write everything down, all my deepest, darkests, and know that the person reading it was not gonna judge, or criticise what I had to say, was marvellous.  That, and the fact I wasn't burdening yet another friend with my baggage.  I mean, really, I could've got a similar effect if I'd just carried on blogging... wait a minute, now I realise!  D'oh.  But at least with the counselling, I was guaranteed a response from a pro - I assume - who, while not allowed to give advice, was able to guide my ramblings into some form of cohesive logic.  Yeah, she must've been a professional, cos no one else would've stood a chance.  I told her the whole family saga, and I was finally able to make some sense of the whys and wherefores of my crazy, messed up mind.  I've still got everything I wrote, plus the counsellor's responses.  Don't think I've read any of it since then, but it's almost comforting to know I can look back at it all again if I ever need to.  Remind myself that it is do-able.

I didn't keep up with the mentoring, which I did feel a bit bad about, as everyone had gone to so much trouble to put me back together again, when I was blatantly cracking up.  I just found that, by releasing all the stress and emotions over the family issues, everything else seemed to fall into place.  I genuinely had a light switch moment; when one day I just felt better, in control, like I could actually do this.  It was still hard, and I had my bad days, still do, but at least I didn't feel so shit-scared and alone.  Always a bonus.  So yeah, counselling, in any form; recommended.  Failing that, write everything down, diary-stylee, or even simple bullet points, or a brainstorm - love a brainstorm - so you can make sense of how you're feeling, draw connections between thoughts and events, pinpoint triggers that make you feel good/bad/ugly. 

Maybe that's one of the reasons I've started blogging again today - the second reason being to do something constructive, and not be such a lazy cow, wolf - not cos I feel crap, and need to vent, but as a preventative measure.  The counselling only lasted six or seven weeks, and I found I missed it for a bit afterwards, so what better way to make sense of my innermost thoughts and anxieties, than publicly, over the World Wide Web.  Genius.

I know I keep on about it, but I really can't get over how much better I feel now, in comparison to this time last year.  It does get better.  It's hard to believe when you're feeling rubbish, and the proverbial shoe's been on the other foot lately, with me trying to offer help to friends, so I know how difficult it is to both accept, and convince, that you will get though it.  @abbey_queenofall tweeted me the other day, saying she'd read my last post (yay, somebody does), and was currently going through similar feelings.  I hope I helped her a bit, basically by saying all of the above (in 140 characters, natch), and if reading my, somewhat garbled, ramblings makes one person feel a teensy bit better, then that's cool.  Peace out peeps, and Happy New Year!

BW xxx

NB: Next time, I'll actually explain what I've been doing for nearly a year, to account for my lack of blogging.  I'll give you some clues; it took nine months of planning, and caused a lot of pain...