*Clap clap clap clap*
Ok, so my job's not a joke, as I don't have one, and I'm not broke; though I'm certainly not rich. Nowhere near. I wouldn't even describe myself as 'comfortable', just um, stable? My love life definitely is DOA. Fact. But, all that aside, I'm using the above Rembrandts lyric to illustrate the following point: that friends are there for you, well, me anyway.
I finally shared a secret with a friend, specifically Gloria, a couple weeks ago, and it really did feel like the proverbial weight had been lifted. I still can't really elaborate too much on what this secret is, though I suppose this blog is meant to be anonymous... Still, you never know, so let's just say I used to live with a very difficult, at times violent, family member; but I don't anymore. Haven't told many people about this, a) it's not the kinda thing that one can easily bring up in conversation, b) other family members would be furious with me if they found out I'd been telling tales, in case the 'culprit' was put in jeopardy; God forbid. Families have very strange ideologies don't they? Kind of a pack mentality. Anyway, c) it's bloody hard to talk about.
On the one hand I feel really guilty, like every time I do say something, I'm betraying certain members of my family, or pack; those that have seemingly put all this in the past, and have moved on. Maybe I'm not a very forgiving person. On the other hand, I feel like I should be allowed to talk about such things if I want to. It's my right, damn it. And aside from the whole freedom of speech aspect, I got to the point recently that if I didn't talk, I was gonna go crazy. Again.
That's one of the many reasons why I was so messed up last year as, although this is technically all in the past, it can still so easily flare up again, with Christmas being a major catalyst. Is it me, or does Christmas make everything like 10 times worse? It's such a big deal to be all together as one big happy family, but the reality is that sometimes this is a Total Nightmare. So yeah, Christmas + family issues + mountain of essays = one stressy wolf.
I went to the Mentoring session, and it was ok, not what I expected, which I think is a good thing. I was sooooo nervous, but all I really had to do was talk about how hard I found last term, within the context of university, nothing else. Phew. Going again this Wednesday, expecting (hoping) for practical advice on how best to tackle this 20,000 word dissertation, which I'm still dreading.
I've signed up for counselling too, which I can honestly say I am terrified about. I mean, I think it's about time I got some - counselling, not... anyway - but I'm freaking out. How much do I say about, well, anything? I know I don't have to say anything at all, but it's totally connected, and totally turning me into a raving loon, so if I don't say anything, then surely I'll be limiting how much help the counsellor can offer me, and how much benefit I'm going to get out of it. But, and this why I rarely tell people, what if what I say gets taken way too dramatically, and they think I'm still in danger, which I'm not, for the record, but what if? It would rip my family apart, which is why I haven't told any of them; they'd freak out that I'd dob this person in, and probably tell me that I didn't need any counselling, like they did before, after The Event. I did need it then, I was a mess, but still, mothers know best.
I also, plain and simply, just don't want to worry them, they've got/had enough problems, how can I add to them by raking up the (pretty recent) past? To that end, I've told my mother, who I live with, and who is my main carer, absolutely nada. And, as far as she knows, my first counselling session, at 9am on the 23rd, is a change of seminar time. She could consequently 'kill' my poor innocent lecturer. I am an awful daughter, but what else can I do? I hate lying, though I am scarily very good at it. This is something that I need to do by myself, for myself. With the help of Gloria, of course, who I owe so much too; note-taker, friend, adviser, confidant, counsellor, alibi, partner-in-crime, provider of much chocolate etc. I feel just as bad for having to get her to lie for me too, though I guess she wouldn't do it if she wasn't such a loyal pal, and for that I am forever grateful.
I guess if, like me, your life involves being totally dependent on others, the only way to achieve any form of independence is to depend even more heavily on those you trust most; in my case, friends.
BW xxx
